no matter now bad i feel i still work. i show up and work even tough i am suffering and miserable inside- i feel unloved, unwanted, left out, excluded, like i don’t belong but I GOTTA PAY MY BILLS SO I WORK.

i think i am having a mini nervous breakdown. i have had many in my lifetime.

TRUTH IS PAINFUL

i hate myself and don’t seem to like other people either up close and personal. but who cares right? life is hard, then it’s over. TOUGH IT OUT PEOPLE. BE STRONG. LIFE IS PAIN

self abandonment got me stranded again, polluted and uprooted. intimacy chasing me, feel like it’s erasing me. (some of my painful kringspeak poetry i wrote. so true. i really don’t know how to love myself or others. i love my cat though.)

it reminds me of me when i see urban decay and garbage on the road. it’s me.

life is painful, hard, we all create our whole reality. no one is responsible for your life but you. wake up and smell it. i choose what i create. it’s SO PAINFUL TO BE AWARE OF THIS.

we all have to love ourselves. no one will do it for us.

i am proud of myself for quitting wheat and gluten and adding nuts/seeds/beans/veggies and more healthy fats to my eating. i was totally addicted to bread and it had no nutritional value for me. i burned off 50 pounds of fat since dropping that from my eating almost one year ago. my thyroid is now normal and my whole body feels & looks different.

i gotta get my 5 photos ready to frame and hang for the show coming up i am part of. MAY 2014
Shannon Kringen Showing & Selling 5 photos
at the University District Art Walk
(along with other great aRtists)
Friday, May 16 at 6:00pm-9pm Opening Reception.
Show runs May 16th through June 16. Gallery 4500
in The University Business Center 3rd Floor
(Sundance Metro Cinema Bldg)
4500 9TH AVE NE,
3rd Floor Seattle, WA 98105

more info:
http://www.udistrictartwalk.org/
Creative Photographer Shannon Kringen
http://shannonkringen.com/photography.htm
http://shannonkringen.com/photography.htm

i am proud of myself for being a good model for artists and med students. i live alone and pay all my bills alone. i am very lonely and sad but i work hard and am good at my gigs.

if i could love and value myself that would be a miracle. i am full of anger and fear and a competitive attitude. neglect, deprivation and self abandonment seem to be my way of living.

today i model for art students clothed for 6 hours. two 3 hour classes back to back at one school. my pay rate today is $22.53 per hour. every college pays a different amount…from $15.00 per hour to $25.00 per hour. most pay $15.00 per hour. classes are 3 or 4 hours long. to make a full time living as an art model you need to do several sessions per week.

in 9 days of medical modeling sessions i had 39 pelvic exams done on me (they don’t take any samples which would harm us- it’s visual inspection and palpation of the tissue only) and i gave feedback to the students on those exams and on the exams i witnessed being done to fellow medical models i worked with i helped teach the exam. i was paid $42.50 per exam which adds up to $1657.50 i am grateful for this gig once a year for med students. it’s challenging work. i am better at being a “model” than a person with a real life.

wish i had the guts to change my life

Advertisements