random thoughts joined together here:

if i learn to be more honest about who the real shannon is (and what i want to give and receive), then i will be able to have better relationships. i think i rarely let anyone see the real me. trying to figure out who that is right now big time. i have been polite my whole life around others and thinking i need to “be nice” all the time and it’s not the real me. (being kind is great- i just mean on a deeper level i have not shown people the real me.) *** to survive the dark parts of my childhood i learned to be a chameleon and adapt and not be the real me with needs and wants and desires as a coping mechanism which now only hurts my adult relationships***

booked an eye exam and physical exam at two different places that are covered by my healthcare. will book the dental exam tomorrow. feels good to take care of this stuff. grateful i have healthcare coverage. will learn as i go how this all works.

feeling better mentally. getting organized. getting ready to do my income tax soon. i worked for 12 different companies in 2014 so have an assortment of W-4’s and 1099’s to add up. plus dental, vision and doctors appointments to make. i do my income tax with TURBO TAX. makes it easier.

i suppose i do like the idea of getting married to a man i find sexy and who wants to share the burdens of life with me. just have never thought i was capable of manifesting this in “real life” due to my emotional wounds.

online and in video i might even be more real than in person.  i person i am more shy and reserved and hidden away.

i am talented but who cares? i am not having any fun. i might quit making art. it feels wrong and like an ego “show off” type of thing…i am not in love with it anymore. i would rather take care of animals than make art.

I don’t really try to make money with my art that is not my point. Modeling is what I do for money and it’s draining me, I need to find a new way to maKe money. So used to modeling I’m afraid to quit. I have a BA degree yet huge phobias about finding a new job. I feel trapped and need emotional support in changing careers. I love plants and animals and nutrition and health.

my parents met in college and got married because of me. the marriage lasted 4 years. i saw my dad on weekends. they have certain core things in common and then they have big extreme differences that make them incompatible. seems like they were meant to create me then part ways.

for valentines night my dad and hopefully a couple friends and i am going to hear my boyfriends band play at:
Mod Men band at Dawson’s
Saturday, February 14 at 9:00pm
Dawson’s Bar & Grill, 5443 S. Tacoma Way, Tacoma, WA

my real dad is taking my mom and i out to dinner again this weekend to cheer us up and help us with the grief process since my step father passed away. so kind of him.

if i loved myself and was my own best friend i’d book myself a massage and not worry about the money! i’d also maybe cash in my frequent flyer miles and go on a trip.

slept 11 hours last night. might do the same tonight. depression is here.

i wish i could work with animals. they make me happy. dogs and cats and goats cheer me up.

i wish i could marry some nice guy who wanted to take care of me, i just want some support. not to live off a man. just to share the burdens in life- share the prices of things. split things 1/2 and 1/2

i have synesthesia too. when i hear sounds i see shapes,colors and textures dancing in my head. tori amos talks about hearing music when she sees visuals too. it can go either way. with me it’s sound that makes me see shapes more than visuals that make me hear sounds. HOW ABOUT YOU?

want to find a new job. TIRED of being the naked person.

get this: my boyfriend’s band might add a TOM PETTY song to their set lists for some of their live shows! they are a rock n roll cover band. “Refugee” might be their choice! i am thrilled by this. his idea and then his band mates said “we were thinking that ourselves that adding a petty song would be good” yeah!

Back to feeling awful. Modeling today body hurts. Feet and hips now. Had to fix bicycle and bill is $151.00 ouch! Needed two new wheels and brake pads. Got one used wheel for cheap other wheel is new. Best deal they had. Need to be safe on my bicycle. Need to find easier way to make a living. Am exhausted daily.

To anyone worried about me I am doing well. Thanks for the supportive comments. Resting now at my guys house. My mom sold more of my step dad’s art. Many of her neighbors are buying the paintings. This is the first time she has sold art directly. Nice to not have to do it through a gallery she says. I was hoping she would do this! They all miss my step dad and are happy to hang his paintings in their homes! So sweet that a sad event like this brings people together.

if you want to buy art from me you can buy prints of my work here: http://www.redbubble.com/people/shannonkringen

Spending another night with my boyfriend tonight. So grateful to have him in my life. He’s cooking us dinner. Last night we went out for fajitas…I treasure having someone to be affectionate with and talk and sleep and learn with. He’s encouraging me on many levels. Also grateful the instructor is lecturing so I get a break from posing yet get paid for the entire 6 hour class.

So grateful today’s 6 hour modeling gig is portrait so I can rest my feet that are injured! I also get to wear a dress so it’s easier to not have to dress and undress all day long! Did short standing gesture poses with my cushioned shoes on! Sitting the rest of the day.

if anyone in seattle wants to buy me a massage certificate feel free! i have pay pal too: kringgoddess@yahoo.com

i am REALLY TIRED of modeling. mentally and physically. it’s hard work, and so tired of being all self conscious of how i look etc. i need to find new ways to make money. data entry at home? voice over work? gotta be something?

i know TMI i have hormone issues too. my period is all messed up. it’s been regular since i was 13 and now it’s not suddenly. it’s early and late etc. all catty-wampus. so i am moody for many reasons. going off wellbutrin, period is changing because i am 46 now and it’s time, step dad dying, mothers money issues, my own money issues, all this stress is flipping me out, my dad is passive aggressive in a subtle way. etc. love is the answer.

if you want please pray that i will love myself and forgive myself and everyone i am angry with! thanks.

i have done a lot in the last 20 years. maybe i just need a rest. i made a book http://www.blurb.com/b/4063156-art-identity-and-the-sacred and i have my website: http://www.shannonkringen.com/ i want to rest now.

someone just said something rude to me about me not being a real artist or model because i once pulled a tampon out of myself on my tv show “Goddess KRING”. (I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT NATURAL BODILY FUNCTIONS BEING HEALTHY, NORMAL AND NATURAL) i deleted their comment. and banned them. i cannot deal with those kinds of comments right now. so if you think i’m not a real model or artist because of some of what i do being offensive to you then GO AWAY AND DON’T SPEW YOUR HATE ON ME. THANKS.

GOING TO STATE THIS AGAIN AS IT’S THE WISEST THING I HAVE SAID ALL DAY: Goals- stay in balance and know I’m valid just like everyone else. When someone tries to invalidate me I want to learn how to ignore it. we are all valid in our own ways. Thankful I’m dating a guy who does validate most of my feelings and he knows how to agree to disagree if need be but does not tell me I am wrong if he does not agree with me. We respect each other’s different minds. Amen to that!!!!

I AM VALID AND SO ARE YOU.

no matter what i say here it’s misunderstood on some level. it’s hard to explain what i am talking about. it’s complicated and there is subtext ALWAYS. time to get myself into a nurturing state of mind. i need to heal and grow and take better care of ME. find support from others AND be my own best friend.

i need to stand up for myself. i have always felt like my parents were more important than me…and like my job was to “get out of their way” or help them and wait for them to figure out their love lives and careers and then maybe they can raise me. it never happened and i am now 46 with no spouse of my own, no kids, and facing that my parents are getting old and then my job will be to take care of them. (i am their only child) neither one of them had other kids with other spouses. i need to STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND BUILD SOME KIND OF LIFE I LIKE. I STRUGGLE WITH MOOD ISSUES AND NOW my feet are messed up and this has me really scared. i need to find help and also help myself better. NURTURE ME and not focus on my parents so much.

was so grateful my parents and i had dinner. had not done that in around 25 years at the same table. helping my mom through grief in the loss of her husband who suddenly passed away from heart attack on 01/30/15. i am a little overwhelmed by my own feelings about my family issues. need to find some support outside the family unit- lets just say i feel like my parents and me are 3 kids who have no parents. we are all on our own. i gotta figure out how to heal and grow and feel ok on my own as an adult. tired of feeling guilt and shame

worried about my feet. they are cramping up daily now. they hurt and looks like i am slowly getting bunions, will need to see a specialist at UW medical center- not fond of steroid shots or surgery so hope to find another solution. my feet are ok right now but seem to be getting worse. i need to do herbal things, massage, exercises, physical therapy whatever i can do to heal and keep my feel as strong and pain free as possible. trying to ride my bike instead of walking long distances now. wearing very comfortable wide shoes with good arch support.

Excited to spend two nights in a row with my lover man who invited me. Grateful we are having fun and not letting challenges stop us from hanging out and enjoying each other.

so i’m too nice? is that my issue? some think i’m too selfish? and some think i am too nice? and need to stand up for myself more fully.

grateful for this day with my parents having a nice rare dinner out and then seeing my boyfriend play with his band live on stage for the first time ever! they do a lot of gigs so i will come to more shows of theirs for fun. he’s a great guitar player and sings too…. and has good stage presence! happy to see him on stage. proud of him! turns me on.

i love this! “I have not lived as a woman. I have lived as a man. I’ve just done what I damn well wanted to, and I’ve made enough money to support myself, and ain’t afraid of being alone.” —Katharine Hepburn

my dad and mom are both like older brothers and sisters to me more than traditional parents. i feel like we are all young and playful and a little shy and sensitive

i love my parents a lot. they are both highly sensitive, intelligent people with a great dark sense of humour. so grateful they created me!

Cannot do standing poses anymore as a figure model. Might need to retire. Need to find a foot doctor asap and eye doctor and dentist covered with my low income apple health insurance any help appreciated. I am going off Wellbutrin too. Need to find better ways to take care of my whole body mind heart soul.

feed your demons. i need to re read this book

maybe get another cat too? first time in 18 years without a cat and i am more stressed out due to that. having a cat to love really seems to calm me down

need to come up with a healing plan. eye doctor, dentist, foot doctor, mental health person, nutrition,exercise, sleep, meditation, spiritual practice, massage etc. many ways to heal and find balance. NOT going to do the pharma route.

the guy i am seeing says he will go to the foot doctor with me! that is is kind of him. (i saw a general person tonight who said they can refer me to a specialist) i am totally grossed out by the idea that my joints are messed up and forming bunions! it hurts and is so weird that the body does that. she said for now, all i can do is ice my feet each night and take Ibuprofen and rest my feet

my step dad passed away suddenly Friday Jan. 30th from heart attack. he was a painter.

Grieving with my mom on the loss of her husband and my step father. For those who don’t know he passed away yesterday morning suddenly while at home resting. He was a visual aRtist and was in love with eastern philosophy ramana Maharshi etc . Very spiritual man.

photos by me https://www.flickr.com/photos/shannonkringen/

Made a green smoothie! got some frozen blueberries, kale and collard greens from the food bank yesterday! so wonderful. i also put hemp protein powder, chia/hemp/flax seeds and banana in it.

was very sad yesterday (old grief WaVeS surfacing) went to my boyfriends house and we talked about both our family issues/dysfunctions etc. wounds to heal….he VALIDATED many of my inSIGHTS and feelings about my challenging dynamic within my family- and how i ended up age 46 feeling in some ways like i am still a child trying to grow and heal into an adult. what a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about this stuff with him. he’s different than anyone i have ever dated. it’s not a fairy tale- but it’s a working friendship with strong attraction. i celebrate this connection. learning as i go with it.

had a great day yesterday with my guy.= walking in the park, watching the tom petty doc. film part 1, (it’s 4 hours long) and being affectionate and eating a nice dinner he cooked for us….today is: art modeling soon. sunny today in seattle. good morning!

have been dating someone for 3 months. it happened sort of accidentally when my cat was dying= he was extra nice to me and also gave me support in dealing with cyber bullies spreading lies about me.
i modeled for him in april and august then we started dating in october
he is very accepting of my eccentric way of life! he’s in a rock band and a photographer. he’s “freelance” too. we have much in common and yet are stimulateingly different !

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